Mike
2006-02-28 15:33:21 UTC
Healing SHAME & SEPARATENESS - a personal story
=======================================
BACKGROUND:
In the Christian calendar, today is Shrove Tuesday - traditionally a day of
penitence - to cleanse the soul! - but also a day of celebration ("pancake
day") - the last chance to feast before Lent begins.
Confession (releasing guilt and shame) is of course an important aspect of
healing ourselves, so even if we are not Christian, there can be benefit in
allowing Shrove Tuesday to trigger some healing for us - well, it worked for
me today!...
AWARENESS OF SHAME & SEPARATENESS
The step in my personal healing today was triggered by a dream which
"dramatised" a current issue that I have not been able to fix until now...
Last night I had a dream in which I felt lonely and separate from other
people, even though in the dream, we were all in a group in the same place
with activities going on.
I recognised this as a recurring dream and life theme - a feeling of "not
belonging" or "separateness" in certain situations.
In the middle of the night, I was not able to progress this beyond
recognising that a sense of personal shame or inadequacy lay behind the
feeling of being different or separate.
This morning I was about to reach for a cup of my only remaining hot
beverage addiction (having given up coffee and black tea some time ago) i.e.
a cup of Earl Grey green tea. As you may know, Earl Grey is flavoured with
the natural anti-depressant oil, Bergamot, and I am concerned about the
amount I drink because Bergamot is potentially carcinogenic if consumed to
excess.
I was aware of a momentary drop in my energy
(heaviness/weariness/depression) as I felt the urge to have a cup of this
tea, so - in the light of my warning dream, plus today being Shrove
Tuesday! - I decided to forgo the tea and spend time instead (consciously
breathe and meditate) with my "energy drop" feeling.
HEALING SHAME & SEPARATENESS
I soon encountered a good batch of angry, destructive feelings, with no
particular target or focus - just the world/people in general. Breathing
down through these, I found, as usually happens, much more vulnerable
feelings underlying. There was quite a lot of tears and emotion (largely
centred around "self-pity" I have to say!) to release.
As usual this catharsis led to a much stiller and more centred state of
mind, body and feeling
(see www.lovehealth.org/tools/catharsis.htm)
but I was determined to get to the root of where these feelings were coming
from, so I used the intuitive self-interrogation technique, which is
described so well in "Healing Our Heartbreaks"
www.stress-counselling.co.uk/BOOKS/heartbreaks.htm
Out of this came the information that the roots of my sense of "shame and
separateness" lay in a nursery school incident when I was aged 3.
In this connection it is of interest that I have been spending time recently
with a baby and I have been very struck by the baby's steadiness of "eye to
eye" gaze - in other words this child is too young to have yet developed a
sense of personal shame or unacceptability.
Unskilful parents/teachers often of course don't clearly communicate to a
child that just its behaviour is unacceptable, as opposed to the child as a
whole being intrinsically "bad" or "naughty" or "stupid". This type of
unskilfulness can create a growing sense of personal shame or inadequacy.
John Bradshaw documents this well in his classic inner child work study
"Homecoming":
www.stress-counselling.co.uk/sunflower/STRESS/CENTRED.HTM
Re-visiting my childhood trauma I discovered that it was an incident in
which I did something foolish and, prompted by the teacher, the whole class
laughed at me. Not only was this humiliating incident the birth of a sense
of personal inadequacy, but also I was able to connect with the deep
feelings of outrage that it engendered towards the class/teacher/entire
world! This internalised rage (I felt too disempowered to express it at the
time) that created a "mindtalk" of dislike and separateness from my
classmates.
Re-visiting this childhood memory, releasing the "emotional charge" on it,
adding a mature adult perspective and understanding, has resulted in the
"correction" of this early life "cognitive error" which had set up a
continuing pattern reverberating in my life. The healing power of this
"shriving" (forgiving myself and them) journey was revealed in the warm
sense of enhanced love and connection which flowed as my old memory was
"re-created" in the light of the more mature perspective I have now been
able to add to it - plus I have recaptured some "lost" positive memories of
that very formative time in my life.
FACILITATING CATHARSIS
Incidentally I empowered the healing environment (facilitated the catharsis)
for doing the healing journey described above by lighting a candle, dimming
the lights, and playing several times over a couple of beautiful uplifting
"angelic voices" tracks from the new Medieval Babes album which also forms
the background music to the TV drama series "The Virgin Queen".
www.Amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000E6UWY4/sunflowerheal-21
One of the tracks is based on a poem Elizabeth I wrote, expressing her own
shame and depression at having to be "2-faced" about her love for someone.
The other track is based on a Latin 13th century hymn "Dies Irae" meaning
"Day of Wrath" (Day of God's Judgment!) and ends with the words "Be Saved!!"
Have a great day and good luck with your own "shriving"!
Be Saved!
Mike
=======================================
BACKGROUND:
In the Christian calendar, today is Shrove Tuesday - traditionally a day of
penitence - to cleanse the soul! - but also a day of celebration ("pancake
day") - the last chance to feast before Lent begins.
Confession (releasing guilt and shame) is of course an important aspect of
healing ourselves, so even if we are not Christian, there can be benefit in
allowing Shrove Tuesday to trigger some healing for us - well, it worked for
me today!...
AWARENESS OF SHAME & SEPARATENESS
The step in my personal healing today was triggered by a dream which
"dramatised" a current issue that I have not been able to fix until now...
Last night I had a dream in which I felt lonely and separate from other
people, even though in the dream, we were all in a group in the same place
with activities going on.
I recognised this as a recurring dream and life theme - a feeling of "not
belonging" or "separateness" in certain situations.
In the middle of the night, I was not able to progress this beyond
recognising that a sense of personal shame or inadequacy lay behind the
feeling of being different or separate.
This morning I was about to reach for a cup of my only remaining hot
beverage addiction (having given up coffee and black tea some time ago) i.e.
a cup of Earl Grey green tea. As you may know, Earl Grey is flavoured with
the natural anti-depressant oil, Bergamot, and I am concerned about the
amount I drink because Bergamot is potentially carcinogenic if consumed to
excess.
I was aware of a momentary drop in my energy
(heaviness/weariness/depression) as I felt the urge to have a cup of this
tea, so - in the light of my warning dream, plus today being Shrove
Tuesday! - I decided to forgo the tea and spend time instead (consciously
breathe and meditate) with my "energy drop" feeling.
HEALING SHAME & SEPARATENESS
I soon encountered a good batch of angry, destructive feelings, with no
particular target or focus - just the world/people in general. Breathing
down through these, I found, as usually happens, much more vulnerable
feelings underlying. There was quite a lot of tears and emotion (largely
centred around "self-pity" I have to say!) to release.
As usual this catharsis led to a much stiller and more centred state of
mind, body and feeling
(see www.lovehealth.org/tools/catharsis.htm)
but I was determined to get to the root of where these feelings were coming
from, so I used the intuitive self-interrogation technique, which is
described so well in "Healing Our Heartbreaks"
www.stress-counselling.co.uk/BOOKS/heartbreaks.htm
Out of this came the information that the roots of my sense of "shame and
separateness" lay in a nursery school incident when I was aged 3.
In this connection it is of interest that I have been spending time recently
with a baby and I have been very struck by the baby's steadiness of "eye to
eye" gaze - in other words this child is too young to have yet developed a
sense of personal shame or unacceptability.
Unskilful parents/teachers often of course don't clearly communicate to a
child that just its behaviour is unacceptable, as opposed to the child as a
whole being intrinsically "bad" or "naughty" or "stupid". This type of
unskilfulness can create a growing sense of personal shame or inadequacy.
John Bradshaw documents this well in his classic inner child work study
"Homecoming":
www.stress-counselling.co.uk/sunflower/STRESS/CENTRED.HTM
Re-visiting my childhood trauma I discovered that it was an incident in
which I did something foolish and, prompted by the teacher, the whole class
laughed at me. Not only was this humiliating incident the birth of a sense
of personal inadequacy, but also I was able to connect with the deep
feelings of outrage that it engendered towards the class/teacher/entire
world! This internalised rage (I felt too disempowered to express it at the
time) that created a "mindtalk" of dislike and separateness from my
classmates.
Re-visiting this childhood memory, releasing the "emotional charge" on it,
adding a mature adult perspective and understanding, has resulted in the
"correction" of this early life "cognitive error" which had set up a
continuing pattern reverberating in my life. The healing power of this
"shriving" (forgiving myself and them) journey was revealed in the warm
sense of enhanced love and connection which flowed as my old memory was
"re-created" in the light of the more mature perspective I have now been
able to add to it - plus I have recaptured some "lost" positive memories of
that very formative time in my life.
FACILITATING CATHARSIS
Incidentally I empowered the healing environment (facilitated the catharsis)
for doing the healing journey described above by lighting a candle, dimming
the lights, and playing several times over a couple of beautiful uplifting
"angelic voices" tracks from the new Medieval Babes album which also forms
the background music to the TV drama series "The Virgin Queen".
www.Amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000E6UWY4/sunflowerheal-21
One of the tracks is based on a poem Elizabeth I wrote, expressing her own
shame and depression at having to be "2-faced" about her love for someone.
The other track is based on a Latin 13th century hymn "Dies Irae" meaning
"Day of Wrath" (Day of God's Judgment!) and ends with the words "Be Saved!!"
Have a great day and good luck with your own "shriving"!
Be Saved!
Mike